my life thus far .

I'm amazed at my own sense of humor. I must have been in some state of post-traumatic stress to have derived the name leney-lene. It's like and feels like WTF. Used to write excellent bubbly youthful stuff but life simply sucks out and drains everything out of anyone.

I'm empty and lost. Lost in the sense of direction and I wonder what the hell am I doing with this life of mine. It feels as if I havent done enough and yet I'm tired of all the self-mental-'pushing'.

At the end of the day , what really matters ?

I'm only 22 and still 22 and it feels like OMG I'm 22.

I'm tired of being strong , sacrificing everything because of my stupid annoying self-pride and yet, I cannot afford to nor will I be able to bring myself to be weak.

Sometimes, I just want to tell whoever's in charge up there , if there's someone really there, dont ask me why I think there's anyone there and who I think is there, because the point is ... I just want to take back certain things and redo them again. Like a correction tape.

To have no regrets because I did what I had to at that point in time is my only consolation .

I know I'm still pretty much a coward in the eyes of others but to me, I pride myself with the idea of being far from one.

I just want to show that I'm in a lot of pain because I am in a lot of pain and its from so much of letting go just to achieve what I think will make me happy.

Really, at the end of the day , I feel yet another stuck in the mud , facedown with these words flashing across like a signboard advertising awesome seafood ... "you deserve it".

Still , who is going to be there to pick up the pieces when I allow myself to succumb to weakness?