yeap that's right.

I think I've realised what my whole damn problem is.
I'm not having fun . With responsibilities and high expectations and obligations , I find it hard to have fun.

And tonight was the best night I ever had. Because , I actually had fun , even if it meant,ridiculing LV personnels with their CIA like headphones ... eg. " bring the LV monogram bag , over over. I repeat, the one on the left shelf"

And just plain whining about how useless having a professional engineering degree is to females,
and how we think that the men can do it, so can we .. but at the end of the day , none of us are willing to be engineers .

So it beats us wondering why did we ever choose engineering and go through so much hardship ?

I'm amazed at how crystal just said " hey, why are u not having fun in aus?"

I felt a dart flying straight into the bull's eye and the bull must have screamed in agony.

Thanks crystal , alin and pearly for tonight .

HIGHLIGHT :

Whilst crystal was moving closer to me to do a sexy dance , I screamed at her. WAHAHHAA.
Damn auntie . I cant believe that 6 mths ago, we used to get the dancefloor started.
But now , I have to wait for awhile to get myself started.

I feel... freaking auntie.


To sum up : tonight's gonna be a good good night ..

As cliche as it sounds and as much as I used to hate that song because it just wasnt in my zone anymore, the black eyed peas' conveyed it all on my behalf.

No wait, it was a good good night.

I feel less psychotic and calm. Oh , and definitely less 'auntie'.

I've made up my mind , to not escape into suju's or the korean idols' world just to find and revel in what's lacking in mine, but instead , live to the fullest.

I just want to say ,

I dont fucking care , I just want to enjoy doing whatever that is that I enjoy. ;p

Woops, not lady-like. Again.

" You so smart ah ? U do lah. I'm dumb" .

With that , it was a damn good night.

We got married , or did we ?

Just finished the Kim Hyun Joong + Hwangbo couple last episode of We got Married.
That's how I spend my nights. Wonder how I'm going to survive in Aus , what with internet capped usage and the banning of Youtube in my house til wee hours of the morning and even then Youtube's just on for 1 hour.

Episodes start with pairing up of celebs and they go through false marriage where they show you how married couples will/should behave. But the point isnt on how they play up all these emotions ...

The point is , how can anyone build emotional barriers and break them just at will ?

Its like a visit to the orphanage , the initial emotions and then finally, when you have to separate.

I dont understand why life has to be this way, why we constantly have to switch on and switch off and not let emotions interfere with anything that we feel or deem detrimental to whatever we are doing.

And to be left with no choice but to leave, that's the one thing I hate the most.

Emotional Baggage, anyone?

If emotional baggage can be dumped just like luggage at the airport on the carousel ,
would anyone want mine?

My dear friend alin, told me I dont have much . But it would be nice, if I could un-load the existing amount.

Had dinner with extended family , they came all the way from sg. People still actually think I'm the youngest in the family and my siblings , rolled their eyes whilst I gleefully floated on cloud 9.

I used to resent being in such situations because of the questions they would pose and the awkardness that comes with it. But the whole night, I was euphoric because people still think I'm the youngest in the family.

I'm awesome still. I'm youthful despite feeling that I've aged. Tell you a beauty secret , abstain from alcohol + clubbing + smoking + drugs. Works wonders.

And little cousins are the cutest. Fighting over the attention of the baby , one little boy whom I think will grow up to be an excellent sweet-talker , "do you want me , emma? do you want me ?"
The innocence , the mischievious charm and the simple sweet-ness with outright honesty .

That's what I miss seeing in men, of which I turn to K-idols who are paid to say these things to the audiences and to suckers like me , who want so desperately to know that such men do exist, even if its only in the reel world.

To whine , I sprained my ankle whilst walking (Like how can anyone just walk normally and let it twist, i seriously am amazed at myself sometimes or my body doesnt seem to be mine) , the same one again which was twisted during bodycombat class a few months back. Feels like a slip-disc and physiotherapy apparently doesnt work. Acupuncture too. So I might just amputate my leg from the calf onwards tomorrow.

Kidding.

hey yo wass up

Woke up at 12:30 pm . Awesome .
To the sounds of my darlings blasting their lungs out on stereo,
life's awesome at this moment.

Attitude for today : Don't care.

I think my PR skills have slipped down by tons and folds.
And my english is atrocious.

If they had a club that operates 24 /7 , I'll crash it now.

Internally , it feels like I'm on self destruction mode.
Externally , I smile and tell everyone how much I appreciate my life and them.

Aiyo , I;m so freaking emo.

I hate not being in control over my own life.

Now I'm darn hungry and tired. Though I just woke up.
We are animals, arent we?

Haiyah , if SuJu would just appear in front of me and say "dont despair."

I just need that little bit of out-of-this-world sweetness.

Like a child that craves for her mother's constant attention .
Like a baby that cries to get what it wants.

I can only reveal what I truly want . Here.

suju

I have bipolar disorder. I get ditzy and high when I'm watching Super Junior.
And I get depressed and upset when I have face reality of my mundane life.
And it happens every minute.

My obsession is as such. I eat , sleep, drink, think, speak, dance Super Junior.
I cant believe how much they symbolise. They represent all the things that are so hard to have in this insane world. I cant imagine being thrown into a group and having to earn money TOGETHER. How many business ventures out there have gone bust when they pair up with even their own family ?

Without causing the slightest strain? Then again, they have such awesome marketing strategies. What with forming sub-groups to tackle different age groups and races- audiences. And even having a member from another country. How awesome.

They play on all sorts of emotions and I feel exhilarated and high just by watching them goof around.

It feels perfect. Too good to be true but I just go nuts over them.

I dont understand myself anymore and probably I'm truly insane.

Perhaps its because of what they potray which does not exist in my life that buys and reels me in completely.

And I allow myself to be bought. Just like that. Just because.

Of the own imperfections of my life.

If they continue what they are doing now, I'm sure their bank accounts will never be empty unless of course they indulge in self-destruction like some famous people when fame gets too much into their heads...

If one day, I have the opportunity to see them .. I wonder what I'll say.

Probably, please dance for me and then throw yr shirts at me and just goof around with me.

Or better still , let's have a sleep-over pyjamas party .

Empty.

I'm tired of hanging around with the empty.
Therefore, I'm selective.

I'm sorry to say I find it hard to accomodate to anyone's whims and fancies.
Who gives a damn shit ?

The world is each to his own. Are you going to help me solve my problems if not for financial gain ?

I'm tired of proving myself. Proving and fulfilling to ur expectations. Its just never enough.

I try to improve myself but it feels like a dead end.

I feel as if I've done everything I possibly can but it's still not enough.

I wonder if this attributes to quarter-life crisis.

I have achieved nothing .

What am I going to do for the rest of my life?

Spurts of writer's inspiration.

Like passion's ebbs and flow. Sudden surge of blah. I feel like writing another entry.
The good thing is that , nobody cares . I'm just feeding my ego as always . Have I turned into a delusional insane self-reprimanding twisted bitter bitch ?

I must have . Because all that is racing in my mind are swearing words. I want to say , hey , I love you , I'm so glad I found u, but now ... I just find myself saying ... " what the fuck do you think you're going to be doing to me ?"

Its so much of pushing away . Innate . Un-trusting .
I'm so darn scared.

The fear of screwing up. The fear of being thoroughly known throughout. The fear of having all flaws exposed.

And partying endlessly and alcohol has no effect. It doesnt solve the problems empty shit-heads.

I feel so horrible and I cant get up and I dont need any help.

Just something like a pain-killer and some form of hope.

Or just desensitize me further. please.

my life thus far .

I'm amazed at my own sense of humor. I must have been in some state of post-traumatic stress to have derived the name leney-lene. It's like and feels like WTF. Used to write excellent bubbly youthful stuff but life simply sucks out and drains everything out of anyone.

I'm empty and lost. Lost in the sense of direction and I wonder what the hell am I doing with this life of mine. It feels as if I havent done enough and yet I'm tired of all the self-mental-'pushing'.

At the end of the day , what really matters ?

I'm only 22 and still 22 and it feels like OMG I'm 22.

I'm tired of being strong , sacrificing everything because of my stupid annoying self-pride and yet, I cannot afford to nor will I be able to bring myself to be weak.

Sometimes, I just want to tell whoever's in charge up there , if there's someone really there, dont ask me why I think there's anyone there and who I think is there, because the point is ... I just want to take back certain things and redo them again. Like a correction tape.

To have no regrets because I did what I had to at that point in time is my only consolation .

I know I'm still pretty much a coward in the eyes of others but to me, I pride myself with the idea of being far from one.

I just want to show that I'm in a lot of pain because I am in a lot of pain and its from so much of letting go just to achieve what I think will make me happy.

Really, at the end of the day , I feel yet another stuck in the mud , facedown with these words flashing across like a signboard advertising awesome seafood ... "you deserve it".

Still , who is going to be there to pick up the pieces when I allow myself to succumb to weakness?